There’s a fascinating story hot right now in the sports world. For those who aren’t clued in, Kwame Brown was drafted #1 overall by Michael Jordan’s Washington’s Wizards in the 2001 NBA Draft. He was the first athlete from high school to ever achieve that distinction, and was only 18 years-old at the time. Kwame ended up playing 13 seasons in the NBA with 8 different teams, grossing $64 million in salary before taxes. He averaged ~7 points and 6 rebounds in ~22 minutes per game.

Despite his long and lucrative career, Kwame was frequently labeled a “bust” for not living up to the expectations of the first overall pick. ESPN’s Stephen A Smith was his most vocal critic, and routinely referred to him as a “bonafide scrub,” and intentionally mispronounced his name as Kwamé (It’s KwamÄ“). After keeping quiet for two decades that spanned his entire career and several years post-retirement, the now-retired Kwame recently sounded off against his critics. His YouTube channel has grown to nearly 240,000 followers as of the time of this writing, in one of the most meteoric rises of any social media personality.

I’m not going to get into the individual beefs Kwame has with a wide variety of personalities. You can Google that on your own time. I will outline 4 factors that I think explain Kwame Brown’s extreme popularity, and what my main takeaways are from this dramatic saga.

1. Comic relief

Kwame Brown is funny, even while addressing very serious topics. His “Momma’s cooking,” and “with seasoning” are among his favorite lines that have become a kind of trademark. “Momma’s cooking”–I think–is a reference to the values and character he was raised with. He uses this line often while addressing or roasting his critics. In this context, you can guess what “with seasoning” signifies.

2. Humble beginnings

Kwame overcame great odds to play in the NBA for more than a decade. In one of his live streams, he referenced how he started taking care of his family from age 14 and was a part of the free lunch program at his school. This makes him a more relatable and likable personality.

3. Outspoken character

For someone who was maligned and ridiculed for as long as he was to now forcefully stand up for himself is pretty much universally appealing. Kwame got a number of critics to apologize to him in a way that I have never seen before, while others have kept quiet in uncharacteristic fashion. Kwame does not have much of a filter, nor does he seem to care what people think about his opinions, whether that’s sports, politics, or society. Outspokenness is a personality trait that people widely admire.

4. Social consciousness

In Kwame’s live streams, he frequently addresses the charity work he is involved in. Kwame has talked about building community centers and giving back, especially in the areas that need it the most. He has also addressed some issues with the modern school system, even ideas that I’ve mentioned in the past on this blog (e.g. how much little kinetic energy there is.) Kwame has also been critical of how the media uses their platforms to trash, slander, and tear down people in an effort to get ratings and make money. I think a lot of people agree with him and are tired of how superficial and click-baity so much modern media has become.

Whatever you think of the man, Kwame now has a pretty big platform that only seems to be getting bigger by the day. Hopefully, he decides to use his newfound popularity for the betterment of society and to pursue some of the philanthropic goals he has talked about.

One thing this story calls to mind is the importance of watching what comes out of my mouth. This is ancient wisdom that seems to have been lost in modern times, especially with the anonymity afforded by social media. When we get loose with our words, especially as they relate to other people, we invite chaos and drama into our lives.

Here are a few Biblical proverbs that I was reminded off while witnessing the fallout from this drama.

He who guards his mouth protects his life, but the one who opens his lips invites his own ruin.

Proverbs 13:3

A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.

Proverbs 18:6

Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.

Proverbs 21:23

When I was a kid, I always identified with the hero in movies. Nothing could be more natural. The hero is portrayed as a sympathetic character. The hero’s perspective dominates the narrative. The hero is the good guy. Villains, on the other hand, typically aren’t given much of a platform. Attention is paid to their background and psychology only when it condemns them for being the way they are. Villains are always wrong. And if you identify with the villain, then something is wrong with you.

Villains often lose their status as such when their side of the story is told.

Today I am still typically persuaded that the villain filmmakers have invented is more or less in the wrong. The villain simply doesn’t stand a chance against complicit costumes, makeup, dialogue, disturbing music and the occasional smoke. But I also realize that life is more complicated than a hero-villain binary would let on. The most realistic villains are normal people motivated by a sense of grievance. They learn to resent those they deem responsible for their plight and lose faith in the institutions they represent. Sooner or later this process leads to a desire to get even. In the extreme, destructive, anti-social behaviors manifest. How many people say that they have lost faith in their political system due to a sense of grievance? This is a dangerous sentiment because in it lies a seed of revolution. The same seed that villains nurture in response to an offense.

A prime example of this comes from the movie 300. Ephialtes of Trachis was a deformed man whose parents ran away from Sparta, a huge no-no in that culture. Ephialtes hoped to redeem his father’s honor by returning to Sparta and serving in Leonidas’s army. However, he was quickly turned down by Leonidas himself for being too weak to raise his shield. Leonidas said to Ephialtes, “If you want to help in a Spartan victory, clear the battlefield of the dead, tend the wounded, bring them water. But as for the fight itself, I cannot use you.”

Rather than accept a downsized role, Ephialtes reacted by informing the Persians of the Anopaea, a path that only the locals knew. This treasonous act that gave the Persians a tactical advantage was motivated by revenge. Had Leonidas accepted Ephialtes in the Greek army, the outcome of the story would obviously have been very different. In reality, however, his noble intentions turned sinister. The truth is there is both a hero and villain inside every man. The one that triumphs is the one that gets nurtured the most.

Today there are countless wars being fought around the globe. And there are many interests being represented. Leaders notoriously demonize the opposition in motivating their side to support a conflict. It’s a lot easier to kill villains than ordinary people with differing interests. You know the expression, “One man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.” To be clear, I’m not saying there is a moral equivalence in every conflict. There isn’t. What I am saying is people tend to portray their enemies as evil even when there is no often appreciable difference in morality between the two sides.

People are usually pretty good at managing positive emotions–it’s the negative ones that we need help with. And the king of negative emotion is anger. If love is the most powerful force for good in the universe, then it may be said that anger is the most powerful force for bad. Anger demands to be expressed. Even when it doesn’t get expressed externally, it makes its home in the subconscious mind and wreaks havoc in the life of its subject.

Dr. Christian Conte is the author of Walking Through Anger: A New Design for Confronting Conflict in an Emotionally Charged World. Per the book’s author description:

Christian Conte, PhD, is a licensed professional counselor, a certified Domestic Violence Counselor, and a Level V (highest level) Anger Management Specialist from the National Anger Management Association. He is co-host of USA Network’s The Secret Life of Kids and is a frequent guest on many national and local programs, including Good Day, ESPN Radio, and CBS’s KDKA. His Yield Theory training has generated successful results for violent criminals, family therapy, and professional athletes.

Dr. Conte gave a talk on YouTube in which he shared his 5 tried-and-trued keys to controlling anger–don’t be attached; don’t take things personally; learn when to let things go; be aware of what’s going on with your body; and learn how to say what’s really going on with you. They have helped me out a lot, and I’m sure they will help you out as well if you put them to work.

Transcript:

Hi, I’m Dr. Christian Conte, and in this video I’m going to give you 5 keys on how to control your anger. I run a website called www.DrChristianConte.com, which is all about emotional management because at the end of the day we all experience emotions, and we all certainly at some points in our lives experience anger. And to me, anger management is something that we all could benefit from. And anger management is so much more than just dealing with anger, it’s dealing with the emotions that surround anger. Look, I’ve posted some videos on YouTube before, but I’ve never really done it consistently. This video marks the first in a series of videos that I’m about to do on a regular basis. So if you like some of the information, I’m going to ask you to subscribe to this channel. If you have questions, put it in the comment section. I’m going to go through them, and I’m going to try to answer them each week on different videos.

So let’s come to these 5 keys to controlling your anger. Let’s face facts–all of us have anger, and there are ways to deal with it in a more effective way. When you think about the world today, when you think about how many people are exploding out of anger. How many people are losing control and hurting other people. It’s unacceptable. All of us–we’re challenged to have the discipline to handle our anger well. So I want to give you that. Look, I say we all have issues. If you’re alive right now, you have issues. That’s OK ’cause so do I. Do I look like a person who’s never been angry? Of course, I’ve been angry. I just know how to deal with it. I still get angry. But the difference is knowing how to handle that anger well. Sure, anger is going to come up for you, but follow these 5 keys, and I’m telling you you’ll handle it in a much more effective way.

So here they are. The first key is this: Don’t be attached. Now think about this, our egos–they have us wanting to be right in all situations. Think about the last time you’ve been in an argument with someone or a disagreement. Instead of being open to learning, which we all would say–we all say ‘I’m open to learning. . . I have a lot more to learn in my life.” Most people would say that, but then when it comes to an argument or a disagreement, all of a sudden it’s, “Hey, my ego is right. I’m defending myself to the end.” We become very attached. I’ve talked about attachment in this way before. I’ve talked about it as this. Let’s say that these are all my ideas. I put my ideas here [clutching books to chest] and I hold on to my ideas. If you disagree with my ideas, and I’m attached to my ideas, I get really upset. I think “How dare you disagree with who I am?” But if I take my ideas and I set them down over there [sets books down] and you disagree with my ideas, I can recognize “Hey, you’re not disagreeing with the essence of who I am. You’re just disagreeing with some of my ideas.”

So not being attached helps us in a significant way. Because I realize it leads to the second key of what I want to tell you about, which is don’t take things personally. Look, how many times have you allowed your anger to swell up and grow because you’ve taken things personally? One fact, as I’ve said at the beginning, we all have issues. We all have things that are going on in our lives. The problem happens when we start to take other people’s issues personally. Now a lot of times people will say, “What if someone is saying something directly at me.” Then they say, “It is about me. It is personal” I say “No, it’s not. It’s not personal.”

Look, in the comment section below this video you will see lots of questions emerge–positive things, people will say appreciative things. But there will definitely be people who just lash out and say mean things. I’m not going to take that personally. It’s not about me. If you don’t even know me, how can it possibly be about me? It’s about you. And when it comes to people saying mean things and lashing out at you, it’s not about you. It’s about them. When you learn that, when you really get that, ’cause I have a sense people understand that here [head] but then understanding it here [heart] is a lot different. But when you can learn to not take things personally it’s one of the greatest gifts you will give yourself. That’s why it’s one of the 5 most practical keys to managing your anger well.

The third key to handling anger well and to controlling your anger is learning when to let things go. All too often people have such a hard time letting things go. Why is it so hard for us? Why is it so hard? Because again, I believe it comes back to our egos. We want to have things go our way. So we say I’m going to put myself out there. And when I put myself out there, here’s what’s going to happen. And we become attached to our view. And until we learn how to let go of needing things to be our way, then we crumble when things don’t go our way. So letting go of needing things to go your way is a really important key to handling your anger well. And you say “Well, I never get anything to go my way. Things never go my way.” And it’s important to understand to not use extreme language. Because all too often we say “Never. Always. Can’t stand it!” And those words drive anger even bigger. So learning to let go of needing things to go your way is huge. Letting go is a powerful, powerful step.

The fourth key is this: being aware of what’s going on in your body. I call it being mindful of what’s going on in your body. In other words, if I say to you how many times in your life have you snapped at someone when really you were hungry. Just about everybody watching is going to be like “OK, that was me. I did it.” If I say to you how many of you were angry with someone else because you were really just overly tired. I would say a majority of people are going to be like “I guess I can think back to a time when I was arguing, but really I was just overly tired.” If I say to you think about a situation where you were stressed out and you snapped at somebody. All of things happen to us. Hunger, fatigue, being stressed. Even something as simple as being overly heated. It can agitate us.

When we’re not aware of what’s going on in our body, we start to make up a story. So we get hungry, and we start to say “I feel agitated, and because I feel agitated, I must be upset about this.” And then we make up whatever story, and then we get really upset about it. Whereas if we were well-fed at the time, we probably wouldn’t have gotten so upset about the same thing. So it’s really important to be mindful about what’s going on inside your body. The more mindful you are, the more aware you are.

Then you can get to the fifth key. For me, the fifth key it’s simple to understand but it’s really hard to practice. And that’s learning how to say what’s really going on with you. Listen to that. Learning how to say what’s really going on with you. In other words, if I’m hungry I can say–instead of snapping at my wife–I can say, “You know what, honey, I’m just really hungry right now. Now’s not a great time to have that conversation because I’m so hungry. Let me grab some food here real quick, then we can sit down and talk about it.” Or–I’ve written about this a lot on my website–www.drchristianconte.com–I’ve written about this a lot. There’s an old adage that says “Never go to bed angry.” And I think that’s silly. And I think it’s outdated. Because if the only reason is because you’re both overly tired or one of you is overly tired, then by all means go to sleep. Go to bed angry. When you wake up in the morning and you’re well-rested, the odds are–listen if you want to keep fighting, keep fighting–but the odds are that you probably won’t want to.

Being mindful of what’s going on in your body and expressing it accurately. So many people across the country–I go all over and speak across the country. I get to interact with thousands of people. It sounds so simple, but why is this so hard? And I believe it’s so hard for most people because we’ve gotten into these behavioral patterns of just not learning to express what’s going on with us. Once you start to do it–and believe me, every technique I’m talking about, these 5 keys to controlling anger. As soon as you’re done with this video, turn this video off and start practicing it, and watch what happens. In other words, if you’re feeling a certain way–let’s say you’re feeling anxious. Instead of lashing out in anger, say that. Try it. Just try saying it. “You know what, I’m really sorry, but I kind of feel really anxious right now. I think it’s making me feel a little agitated. And I feel a little angry. I don’t think it’s about you, I think it’s about me, and let me deal with it for a little bit.” See, the more you learn to express that accurately, the more effectively you control your anger.

These fives keys to controlling your anger management–trust me, I’m telling you–these are really important things, so try them. I’m going to start posting videos more regularly, so any questions that you have leave a question in the comment section. If you like this video, I’d really appreciate if you hit like, and go ahead and subscribe to the channel. And you’ll know whenever there are new videos posted. Listen, we all have issues. We all have anger. And that’s OK. Sometimes, we need to be easy on ourselves as we’re learning. What I taught you today–whether it was a review for you or not–what I expressed today in this video maybe you got it here [head], but we got to work on practicing it here [heart]. I wish you all much peace. For more information on me or the emotional management that I teach, visit www.drchristianconte.com

Conflict is an inevitable fact of human affairs. A life without interpersonal conflict is no life on earth. As a result, conflict management is a fundamental life skill. Learning to avoid and defuse conflict will save a lot of emotional heartache and improve health outcomes. Fortunately, there’s a basic principle of conflict resolution that I’ve observed in effect time and again.

Conflict has staying power because emotions and pride get involved, two of the most powerful forces in the universe. When people get offended, they would often rather smolder with resentment than address the issue head-on. Direct confrontation is uncomfortable. And maybe they believe the other person acted with intention hence the futility of bring it up. Conflict can last days, weeks, months, and even a lifetime if it doesn’t get addressed. Depending on the closeness of the relationship, it can wreak havoc on the inner and external life of an individual.

You have to go first—In order to resolve conflict, you have to swallow your pride. You have to look at the situation objectively and identify the forces at work. As I illustrated in what lettuce can teach us about understanding, there is always a reason behind what people do. You may rightly think that the other person is primarily in the wrong. But it’s rare for there to be a conflict where one party is totally in the wrong and the other person handled the situation perfectly. You can start by addressing to that individual what you could have done better before giving your complete perspective of the situation. If you can’t think of anything, you can at the very least apologize for any misunderstanding that may have taken place. I used to tell myself I would never say “I apologize,” even in a limited sense, unless I know I did something wrong. But when I observed people who lead with these words get good results, I concluded that conflict resolution was more important to me than semantics.

In a state of conflict, people usually assume the worst about the other person’s intentions. Taking the humble initiative is the best way to remedy that. It communicates to the other person that you care about them. That you value their emotions and experience. That you are eager and desirous to move forward. Most people have enough light in them to appreciate this. When this takes place, a happy resolution is soon to follow.

Let’s have the courage to go first. Our mind and our body will be glad we did. Has this principle worked for you? I’m also interested to hear what other strategies you might have for conflict resolution.

[You can follow me on Twitter @creatorvilla.] The sequence in the title comes from a famous Bedouin proverb. The jBedouin were militarized Arab nomads who inhabited the deserts of Jordan, Syria, Iraq, and Saudi Arabia prior to the development and sedentarization of the early 20th century. The proverb captured how human beings have conducted themselves for the great majority of recorded history. Human beings are tribal, and the basic unit of the tribe is the immediate family. Beyond the immediate family, people form loyalty ties based on kinship. However, there is a problem with this system. First of all, it implies people are always in conflict with others. And second, it implies that every human being will have an enemy in the great majority of people on earth. Indian-American novelist and author of The Sweetness of Tears, Nafisa Haji, captures some of this tension.

There is an old Arab Bedouin saying: I, against my brothers. I and my brothers against my cousins. I my brothers and my cousins against the world. That is jungle law. It is the way of the world when the world is thrown into chaos. It is our job to avert that chaos, to fight against it, to resist the urge to become savage. Because the problem with such law is that if you follow it, you are always fighting against someone.

Nafisa Haji, The Sweetness of Tears

Fortunately, most of us live in ordered societies where our immediate survival is not at stake. We don’t have to walk around with the same level of distrust as the ancients, knowing that the probability of us losing our lives or our livelihood is meager. But the remnants of old ways of evolved thinking die hard. And the seed of distrust is still strong within the human race. This seed manifests as anger, hatred, selfishness, and a desire to harm the person of others even using all non-physical means possible. It is this internally driven chaos that can wreak havoc in even the most ordered external environments.

The way to overcome the law of the jungle isn’t simply to create better government. That will only limit the scope for internal chaos to manifest as outright violence. The way to overcome the law of the jungle is to cultivate an inner love for other people. This is much easier said than done. What reason does anyone have to love others? There are multiple ways of answering this question.

Spirituality—my faith is a powerful anchor in my life. I believe that all people were created in the image of God. This gives me a reason to strive to love everyone, even if I fall short the majority of the time. Spirituality is an anchor for a lot of people. But there are non-spiritual approaches that work toward the same end.

A sense of universal connection—The consciousness that all living things are connected such that the well-being of each of us affects other people. Every instance of an innocent person being victimized by crime is a reminder of this principle. But universal connection works in an opposite manner as well. People who follow good laws, innovate solutions to problems, and show kindness make the world a better place for others. There are myriad philosophical and material goods that we take for granted in the world, like the belief of universal equality and the opportunity to live a much better material life relative to the rest of the world. These were gifted to us by others.

Humanism—a theoretical framework a core belief of which is that human beings are capable of great good when placed in the right environment. Each individual has fundamental value and can learn to behave in a way that maximizes the overall welfare of the species. Humanism works best the more people that are on board—it is a mutual decision to further collective interests and is more specific than a universal sense of connection. Its focus on humanity and optimism about the potential of the human species distinguish it from other approaches.

Karma, sowing and reaping, or the law of reciprocity—These concepts share the idea that how people treat others sooner or later has an effect on their own life. Sometimes the concept has religious overtones, but it can be understood purely through a secular lens. The law of reciprocity holds that people tend to treat others the same way that others treat them. But there is a way of understanding the psychological benefit of showing love independent of whether said love is returned. A Biblical Proverb illustrates my point:

A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself

Proverbs 11:17

The Arab proverb cited above is the diagnosis of a problem. A problem at the level of ideas and norms that is responsible for the currently fractured state of human affairs. Surely, there must be a better way of interfacing with the world.

There are clues for living well everywhere you turn. Many of the same principles that govern in nature govern in the world of human affairs. Nature offers vivid illustrations of truth that can serve as powerful mnemonics (memory aids) throughout our lives. Recently I wrote an article entitled “Finding Inner Peace: Magical Quotes of Thich Nhat Hanh.” In it, I shared my favorite quotes from Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese monk, peace activist, and prolific author. Today I want to expound on a metaphor Hanh crafted that has wide implications for how we approach relationship conflict.

The Wisdom of Lettuce:

When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or
less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.

Reason is my natural resort in a conflict. You’re wrong, and I’m going to tell you exactly why you’re wrong. The problem is this approach rarely ever works. If it has any effect, it is usually to exacerbate the situation. Why does my reason not work? Because it’s less than half of the equation. One half is reason and the other half is emotions. I can reason about a situation from the outside, but I don’t have all the information influencing an individual’s thoughts and actions. At the same time, emotions are the primary driving force of life. Reason molds and directs emotions, but without emotions reason has no basis for action.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

Proverbs 4:23

When we show understanding, we connect on an emotional level. Understanding is the recognition that there are powerful emotions at work in the situation, even though we cannot fully understand them from the outside. That is not to say that people can use emotions to justify bad behavior. Emotions must be ruled on an individual level. But the key word is individual. We can’t rule other people’s emotions for them. The best way we can help people transform negative emotion is to show love. When we show love by understanding, people’s behavior will naturally improve because it has an emotional root.

Understanding awakens us to the human condition. It is the recognition that people are largely a product of their environment. Living well is as much about working with what you have as it is putting yourself in the right environment to thrive. It’s when the environment is right that an individual can reach their full potential. And there’s no telling how low an individual will go when the environment is not right.

American-British author and motivational speaker, Simon Sinek, captured in a talk on leadership and love just how critical the environment is to human well-being. Courage was the topic of conversation, an attribute people typically think has more to do with the individual than anything else. See the excerpt below from Leadership is about Love.

The courage to do the right thing in the face of overwhelming pressure–only the best leaders have that courage. Only the best leaders. And here’s the folly, courage is not some deep internal fortitude. You don’t dig down deep and find the courage. It just doesn’t exist. Courage is external. Our courage comes from the support we feel from others. In other words, when someone–when you feel that someone has your back. When you know that the day that you admit you can’t do it, someone will be there and say “I got you. You can do this.” That’s what gives you the courage to do the difficult thing. It’s not going off to an ashram [monastery] by yourself somewhere for four weeks and coming back and finding the courage. It’s not what happens. It’s the relationships that we foster. It’s the people around us that love us and care about us and believe in us. And when we have those relationships, we will find the courage to do the right thing.

Understanding can’t solve every problem, but it always makes the situation better. Remember this the next time you reach for a head of lettuce.

[You can follow me on Twitter @creatorvilla.] I admittedly don’t know a lot about TD Jakes, but I do know he is one of the most famous pastors in the US. He has written countless best-selling books, and many people look up to him for spiritual leadership. His most recent book is Crushing: God Turns Pressure into Power. I recently saw a clip on YouTube in which he shared some of the challenges that almost led him to quit ministry. Jake’s testimony is emotionally impactful and illustrates the importance of knowing your why, or the purpose that drives you in life. There is only so much people will do for themselves, but when they have a purpose larger than themselves there is no telling the lengths they will go and the adversity they will overcome to achieve it. Check out the video and transcript below!

Transcript:

I almost quit. I’m a country boy. I’m from West Virginia. I don’t know nothing about this big time stuff. I never even asked to be big. I wanted to be effective, not famous. Famous is the consequence of being effective. I didn’t know nothing about being famous, and I didn’t like it. And so there I was, and when you’re first new everybody attacks you first, and figures you out later.

The first time I was in the Washington Post, the article was so vicious it made me nauseous. I was so shocked that you could say that stuff about somebody you didn’t even know based on assumptions and a little bit of this and a little bit of that and they piece it all together. And you don’t get to say anything back.

So I decided I don’t want this. I was preaching for Pastor Bishop Donny Mears, and nobody knew it because preachers can override their feelings and function. I preached, the place was on fire, but inside I wanted to quit. I told God that I’m through with this. I’m not going through this, I don’t need this. See, I don’t need that. I’m a guy who likes to go get his own chicken wings, I don’t have to have all of that stuff to be happy.

So I said, “I’m not doing this anymore. I’m not doing this because I don’t need this, and I didn’t ask for this. I’m only doing this because of what happened in my life, the circumstances that happened in my life.” He put me on stage, I didn’t ask for it. And when I saw how much it cost, I said “You can have that right back up in here, I don’t need it.”

I was mad inside. I was hurt. And I stayed up in the fellowship with the pastors because I didn’t want to go back to my room and sulk in my own sorrows. And they said this lady downstairs is waiting to see you, the service was over, and the fellowship was over, and the pastors started to leave and I was trying to out-wait her. I thought she’d give up and leave.

And when I finally came down the steps, she was there and she was just a wee little bit of a woman. And she said “Bishop Jakes.” She said “I’ve been in the hospital.” She said “I was pregnant in my fallopian tubes, and the baby died in my tubes, and I was carrying around a dead baby, and the toxicity from the baby almost killed me.” She said “The only thing that kept me alive was you preaching.” She said “if you had never been preaching to me everyday, I swear I would have died.”

And then she looked at me and she said, “It’s for us. It’s not for them. It’s for us.” It hit me so hard. I didn’t even get her name. I got in the car and cried all the way back to my room. Because she reminded me why I was there. Last week when I texted you, I was up in Baltimore and DC. And I was doing a book signing, and then she only came up to the table to buy Soar! She said, “You don’t remember me, do you?” I said “No.”

She didn’t even look like the same person. She’s all dressed up, she gained weight, she looked like she wasn’t sick. She said “I met you in the bottom of Donny Mears’ church, years ago.” And I burst into tears. I lost it. I stopped the signing. And I jumped up and hugged her. If it were not for that woman. . . 

Oysters open completely when the moon is full; and when the crab sees one it throws a piece of stone or seaweed into it and the oyster cannot close again so that it serves the crab for meat. Such is the fate of him who opens his mouth too much and thereby puts himself at the mercy of the listener.