[You can follow me on Twitter @creatorvilla.] Sometimes the emotional scars of living become so wrapped up in our identity that we cannot conceptualize life without them. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to process emotional trauma. In fact, I would say this is one of the great challenges of life that all must face sooner or later. Make no mistake—I’m talking about death, divorce, injury, disease, abuse, a breakup, and you can fill in the blank. Nothing can eradicate the pain of loss, but wisdom can be the difference between staying stuck in the past for a lifetime and finding the strength to move forward after a period of grief.

I’ve transcribed a poignant clip in which former US Navy Seal Jocko Willink addresses the topic of emotional pain in a way that only he can. (You may remember him from his July 4 feature last month on discipline equals freedom.) In the clip, Willink responds to a man who wrote-in about losing a child—obviously one of the worst traumas anyone could ever go through. However, much of Willink’s insight into pain has universal application. For example, Willink analogizes pain to waves, and I cannot think of a better metaphor. No matter how absolute and all-encompassing pain may feel at times, it is not the absolute truth. It is a wave—a true but partial expression of the sum total of who we are.

I’ve never experienced the loss of a child, and I can’t imagine how difficult that is. But one thing I do know from experience—the more courage with which I “ride the wave” of whatever it is I’m going through, the faster it tends to let up. And what emerges from that process is a stronger, more compassionate version of myself.

Transcript:

My wife and I suffered three weeks of turmoil, which included losing a child. How do I expedite that moment when we pick up ourselves–basically how to push through?

So the pain that’s going to come, it’s going to come in waves. At first, you won’t even notice that they’re waves because all the waves are going to be so close together, it’s going to feel like you are drowning in sorrow. You’re not going to get any air, and you’re not going to be able to escape that sadness.

That’s what the waves feel like at first. And then at some point there’s going to be a little break, just a little break. Just a little bit of light in the darkness. Something is going to make you smile. Something is going to make you laugh. Something is going to show you just a little bit of light.

And then another wave of pain is going to come back again, and it’s going to be strong, and you won’t have any control over it. All of a sudden, you’re going to be just crying uncontrollable. You won’t be able to say, “No, no. I’m in the light now. I’m smiling right now. I’m not going to go back there.” No, you’re not going to be able to control it, and that’s scary. You’re at the mercy of this ocean of sorrow.

But don’t let that scare you. Don’t let that scare you ’cause I’m telling you that that wave is going to subside again, and this is going to go on. It’s going to go on, and the waves–they will become weaker. And what you need to realize is just because the waves are becoming weaker, this doesn’t mean that you love your child less or you miss them less or that you aren’t crushed at their passing. It just means that you’re starting to be able to deal with it, which is what you’re supposed to do.

When you feel a little bit of a break, what you can do is you can row the boat. You can row the boat, and what I mean by that is start doing something productive to get your mind moving forward. Let’s sort out the drawers in the bedroom. Let’s vacuum. Let’s do something productive. If there’s something that distracts you, that’s fine. Do it. Let there be some calm in the water.

As the calm comes, also you’re going to find moments where it’s like you can have things that are going to bring all of the waves. And that’s OK, too. Bring on the waves. Go look at the pictures. Write down the memories. Read the letters. Read the notes. Read the emails. Remember, and then there’s that standard service. You’re going to do the memorial. You’re going to do the burial.

And when that’s over, let a little bit of more time go by. Give yourself another week of washing around. Of feeling that sorrow. Of letting the waves toss you around in the ocean.

But after another week, what you do is you go and you write a letter. You write a letter to your child, and you explain to them–explain to them how much they mean to you. Explain to them how heartbroken you are that they are gone, and then explain to them why you are going to carry on. And explain to them how in losing them, you have learned without a shred of doubt, how truly precious life is. And that they have taught you the immeasurable value of your own life and your family’s life.

And explain to them that you know. That you know that they loved you, and that you know that they would want more than anything for you to be happy and productive and impactful in the world. And explain in that letter, what you will do to make them proud by how you live your life.

Then take that letter, go to their grave, and read it to them. Then cry and kiss their soul. Tell them that you will see them on the other side. Then go–live your life. And those waves are still going to come, and there’s going to be pain, and there’s still going to be sorrow, but you go and live your life. Live it well. And make them proud.

Executive business coach Marshall Goldsmith understands the power of a near-death experience. His life flashed before his eyes on his way to Santa Barbara when his pilot announced that the landing gear wasn’t working. You can imagine how he felt when he heard the pilot say, “We have a minor problem. The landing gear isn’t working. We are going to circle the airport until we run out of fuel so we can land more safely with the wheels up.” Landing with the wheels up is cold consolation when the airplane isn’t working. The plane ultimately did land safely, and the first thing Goldsmith did when he got to the hotel was write 50 thank-you notes to the people who had helped him in his life.

Have you ever been so close to death you could hear it breath? I haven’t, but the people who have all seem to have one thing in common: they come away from their near-death experience different than before. They didn’t suddenly age, they didn’t change jobs, they didn’t magically have new friends and family. The power of their transformation is the power of perspective. And what if we could tap that power using only the imaginative faculties of our minds?

Research has demonstrated that when we visualize the same part of our brain gets activated as when we experience something in the material world. The goal of the exercise that follows is to obtain the psychological benefits of a near-death experience minus the trauma. It is structured as a prompt followed by a series of 10 reflective questions. For more on the power of perspective, see the Top 5 Regrets of People on Their Deathbed.

A Near-Death Experience (Thought Experiment)

Imagine you are on that plane headed for Santa Barbara suspended 35,000 feet in the air. Now imagine it it is the engine that malfunctions instead of the landing gear. The pilot says he will do everything in his power to cushion the blow, but that an unnatural landing will take place within 20 minutes. The plane begins its slow decline, the clock starts ticking, and your life flashes before your eyes.

1. What do you love most about the life you’ve lived?

2. What people and experiences are you most grateful for?

3. What do you love least about it?

4. What are your top 3 regrets?

5. When your plane landed safely, what is the first thing you would do when you arrived at the hotel?

6. How is your life now different?

7. Did the experience change how you treat people?

8. Did the experience make you a more grateful person?

9. If you answered yes to at least one of the last two questions, why do you think it took a near-death experience to produce this change?

10. How can any of your answers to the above questions inspire you to live your life to the fullest today?

The phoenix in Greek mythology is a bird that periodically died and came back to life by rising from the ashes of its predecessor. The symbol of the phoenix is synonymous with personal rebirth and revival. We all go through seasons of change. Either changes pursues us with circumstances, or we pursue change with determination. All change is an opportunity to do better and be better.

This is the time of year when most of us are finalizing our New Year’s resolutions. We all have areas we want to improve in. Getting it done in 2020 is going to require letting go of old thoughts, habits, and ways of being that are not resourceful for meeting the challenges of tomorrow.

Today, I’ve transcribed an inspiring vlog published by a YouTuber named Elliott Hulse in the wake of the New Year. The vlog is entitled “Die before you die,” and centers on the necessity of change.

Transcript:

I got a question here from our friend. I can’t pronounce his name, but he says “Elliott, I do not expect you to look at this, but if you read it, what do you think about this quote: ‘The secret of life is to die before you die to find out there’s no death.'” Brother, that has been–I resonate deeply with that. My experience has been over the past several years, I’ve died to myself. And when I speak of dying I’m talking about an ego death. I’m still the same Elliott, but many of you can probably recognize that I’m not the same person. It has been a process of ego deconstruction. When the phoenix burns down or when Jesus says “You have to die to yourself to be accepted into the kingdom. You’ve got to let go of your old self in order to embrace the new.”

One thing he also says is you can’t put new wine in an old wineskin. I think that’s a perfect example of the benefit and the value of getting rid of your old container. Your own way of containing yourself and interfacing with the world. That really requires a throwing away. It requires a breaking down. It requires a dissolving. It requires a dying to an ego construct that is no longer resourceful for who you are to become in the next phase of your life.

This is an area where people get stuck all the time. We develop an ego construct. When I say ego construct, I’m literally talking about the interface by which we work with the world. If you can imagine your self, the outside world, which is really a figment of our imagination, but we work with it. We work with our experiences. We work with our circumstances as well as working with out internal processes. And then the ego being in between it. How do I bring myself to my circumstances? When you’re 14, there’s a way to be that allows you to interface with the world in a resourceful manner. It works for you when you’re 14. The problem is when you’re 21, and you’re still approaching life with the same ego construct that you had when you were 14, you don’t evolve. You remain the same old version of yourself even though you’re being called to change.

This is where you end up with men in their late 30s and 40s who have a mid-life crisis. And we’re lost because we’re still interfacing with the world with an old version of ourselves that’s no longer resourceful for the physiological and biological changes happening in our body. Oftentimes they’ll begin to make decisions that they would have made when they were 21. Because there’s a feeling of unease, right. You become 40, and there’s a feeling of unease. Things are not the way I think they should have been. And then in that anxiety, you go back and you begin bringing up all the old things that are associated with an ego that is no longer resourceful.

For the process of becoming a stronger version of yourself to be allowed, you have to die to those old desires. Die to the old fears, hopes, and dreams such that there is a complete obliteration, right. Old wineskins. If you’re wanting to be new, you can’t pour in new goals in the old you. You can’t pour inspiration into an old you. You can’t pour old wine into an old wineskin because you’ll ruin the wine. The wine won’t stay fresh and the wineskin will disintegrate. It can’t hold it. The container can’t hold it.

So you’re needing to reconstruct yourself in a new way so that you can take on the challenges and approach the truth about who you are in the next phase of your life. What this requires is not only a conscious and deliberate going-down process. A conscious and deliberate catabasis [going-down] period. It also requires that while you’re down there, while you’re in the belly of the beast, while you’re dying to your old self so that you can be reborn again, you begin to look at those things that are actually true. You begin to look at the things that you’ve ignored. You begin to look at the things that are truly resourceful for you and what your legacy will be in your life.

There’s a process of death and dying to those things that are no longer resourceful, and a bringing forward of those things that you’ve either forgotten about, that were in the shadows, that need to be resolved, that need to be brought forward, because they’re gifts. Shedding light on things that have been in the shadow allows you to process them. So that’s that. . . I have more to say about it, but I need a break. . . .

I’ll leave you with this last analogy. By the way, I refer to Biblical stories and what not because a lot of people know them. I don’t refer to it because I’m Bible-thumping or hoping that you’ll become a Christian. I am not a Christian myself. But I am a lover of wisdom. I am a lover of wisdom literature. I am a lover of religion because it is my experience and my belief that the manifestations of God–be it Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Krishna, Zoroaster, Bahaullah–come to earth at a particular time. They’re all imbued with the spirit of God to teach us things that we need to know. So I truly believe that the pure essence of these teachers’ teachings are loaded with value. And can bring value into anyone’s life. So I advise you to open yourself up to reading the parables in the Bible and reading other wisdom literature.

That being said, Jonah in the whale is a wonderful story about what happens when it’s time to die to yourself and be born again. Jonah was a blessed dude. Jonah was doing well. He was well-off. He was wealthy. He was well-liked in his city and he was winning. God, your intuition, the universe–however you’d like to relate to the omnipotent, to the unknown, to the ever-present, to the Creator–will tap you on your shoulder. It happens not by a deep voice coming from a cloud. That’s a figment of our imagination, those are vain imaging and idle fancies, as Bahaullah called it. But it comes in the form of a sense within. For me it comes from a sense within.

Why I quit YouTube videos is because God had been kind of asking me to do this thing, and you can watch my videos leading up to my choosing to quit, where I’m like something’s not right. I don’t know what’s going on. Really I was resisting, but essentially God was saying, “Hey E. I need you to give up the things of the world for the moment because I have another job for you.” Jonah was doing well, God tapped him on his shoulder sand said ,”Jonah! I need you to help me out with something. I have another mission for you but you’re going to need to detach yourself from the things of this world. I know you’re a successful guy, I know that you’re doing well–Elliott–I know that you’re doing well. You got a million subscribers on YouTube. But I have greater things for you, I have a need for you.”

Jonah, like all of us, like myself, resists. “Ah, I can’t do that. I can’t give up all of this fame. I can’t give up all of this fortune. I can’t give up everyone loving me.” And so what happens is when you get that tap on the shoulder and if you ignore it, you end up like Jonah. Jonah went out on a boat with his boys not too long thereafter. A storm came, right, and he ended up getting tipped off over the boat into the deep dark watery unconscious. And not only did he dive deep into the waters, right. Into the darkness. Into the shadows because that’s where the work happens. The work always happens down deep below in those watery unconscious areas. But he was swallowed by a f**king whale. In the belly of the whale.

Now what happens in the belly of a whale down deep below in the unconscious. Digestion happens. And what is digestion? Jonah was being worked on in that belly. What is digestion? Digestion breaks things down. And when it breaks it down, it pulls out those things that are most resourceful. It pulls out those things that are needed. It pulls out those things that are nourishing. And it gets rid of the s**t. There are times when you will be digested in order to get rid of the s**t, so that your nourishing self can rise to the top. Done. I think I’m going to finish there.