Every day you should forgive at least one person.

If you want to be at peace, practice radical acceptance. If you want to be uncommon, practice radical forgiveness. If you want to be powerful, practice radical love. If you want to be happy, do all three.

Conflict is an inevitable fact of human affairs. A life without interpersonal conflict is no life on earth. As a result, conflict management is a fundamental life skill. Learning to avoid and defuse conflict will save a lot of emotional heartache and improve health outcomes. Fortunately, there’s a basic principle of conflict resolution that I’ve observed in effect time and again.

Conflict has staying power because emotions and pride get involved, two of the most powerful forces in the universe. When people get offended, they would often rather smolder with resentment than address the issue head-on. Direct confrontation is uncomfortable. And maybe they believe the other person acted with intention hence the futility of bring it up. Conflict can last days, weeks, months, and even a lifetime if it doesn’t get addressed. Depending on the closeness of the relationship, it can wreak havoc on the inner and external life of an individual.

You have to go first—In order to resolve conflict, you have to swallow your pride. You have to look at the situation objectively and identify the forces at work. As I illustrated in what lettuce can teach us about understanding, there is always a reason behind what people do. You may rightly think that the other person is primarily in the wrong. But it’s rare for there to be a conflict where one party is totally in the wrong and the other person handled the situation perfectly. You can start by addressing to that individual what you could have done better before giving your complete perspective of the situation. If you can’t think of anything, you can at the very least apologize for any misunderstanding that may have taken place. I used to tell myself I would never say “I apologize,” even in a limited sense, unless I know I did something wrong. But when I observed people who lead with these words get good results, I concluded that conflict resolution was more important to me than semantics.

In a state of conflict, people usually assume the worst about the other person’s intentions. Taking the humble initiative is the best way to remedy that. It communicates to the other person that you care about them. That you value their emotions and experience. That you are eager and desirous to move forward. Most people have enough light in them to appreciate this. When this takes place, a happy resolution is soon to follow.

Let’s have the courage to go first. Our mind and our body will be glad we did. Has this principle worked for you? I’m also interested to hear what other strategies you might have for conflict resolution.

[You can follow me on Twitter @creatorvilla.] Today Americans celebrate the triumphant legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr, who lived and died in the cause of civil rights. On August 18, 1963, on the occasion of the “March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom,” MLK delivered a legendary speech whose famous title–I have a dream– would become synonymous with his legacy. I like the introduction to the speech supplied by AOL’s Morgan Whitaker (here). You can find the introduction italicized and the full transcript of the speech below. I have also embedded a video of the speech at the bottom of the page. The best way we can honor MLK’s legacy is by striving to embody the values of love, justice, and equality for which he sacrificed his life.

On a hot summer day in 1963, more than 200,000 demonstrators calling for civil rights joined Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom.

The days event’s included speeches from the likes of John Lewis, a civil rights activist who currently serves as a U.S. congressman more than 50 years later, Mrs. Medgar Evers, whose husband had been slain by a segregationist only two months prior, union leader Walter Reuther — and a performance by the great gospel singer Mahalia Jackson. But it was Dr. King’s iconic “I Have a Dream” speech that immediately took its place as one of the greatest in U.S. history.

But August 28 was not the first time King had uttered the most famous four words from his remarks that day. He had spoken about his dream during speeches in Birmingham and Detroit earlier that year. His initial drafts did not contain any references to a dream at all, according to his closest advisers.

Before the speech, King allegedly told an aide that he wanted the remarks to be “a Gettysburg Address” of sorts.

“I Have a Dream” Transcript:

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. So we have come here today to dramatize a shameful condition

In a sense we have come to our nation’s capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked “insufficient funds.” But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God’s children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro’s legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. Those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. There will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice. In the process of gaining our rightful place we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred.

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force. The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone.

As we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back. There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, “When will you be satisfied?” We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied, as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro’s basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating “For Whites Only”. We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.”

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God’s children will be able to sing with a new meaning, “My country, ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim’s pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring.”

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, “Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”

Forgive yourself for not knowing then what you know now.

Imagine you have $86,400 in your account and someone steals $10 from you. Will you be upset and throw all of the $86,390 away in hopes of getting back at the person that took your $10? Or move on and live? Move on and live, right. See, we all have 86,400 seconds every day, so don’t let someone’s negative 10 seconds ruin the rest of the 86,390. Don’t sweat the small stuff, life is bigger than that.

Hack your past with forgiveness. Hack your present with mindfulness. Hack your future with I am enough.

Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.

[You can follow me on Twitter @creatorvilla.] Vishen Lakhiani knows a thing or two about forgiveness. Two years ago, a friend, confidant, and high-level employee stole $100,000 from his company and threatened and harassed his family unprovoked. In a lecture, Lakhiani describes the powerful benefits he experienced after transforming his hurt through what he calls forgiveness into love. Perhaps most striking of all is the research conducted on Lakhiani’s brain that demonstrated positive changes in brainwave activity following this decision. Check out the complete video and transcript below!

Lakhiani is Founder and CEO of Mindvalley, an educational company specializing in personal growth. He authored the wildly popular book The Code of the Extraordinary Mind: 10 Unconventional Laws to Redefine Your Life and Succeed on Your Own Terms.

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Popular Wisdom

Transcript:

Sometime last year, I experienced one of the most awful experiences in my life. I found out that a guy I had hired in my office in Malaysia where we have about 140 staff had been stealing money. Worse, he was a trusted person who was in charge of our operations. He was there to make sure that my employees had proper housing, that air conditioning was running, that the massive office of 15,000 sq. ft. was running well. But we caught him actually pilfering money. He had created a series of fake companies under his own name, a relative’s name, and he was paying his own air conditioning repair. Paying his own cleaners. And in the end he had pocketed $100,000 for himself.

So it was an awful thing, and when we finally caught him, there were threats. Threats that he was going to have gangsters follow me in my car on the way home. He started disrupting our work, sending the fire engine over saying that our office was a fire trap. All of this sh*t started happening, and it was a really really really stressful time. But sometimes the world or the universe or God–whatever you want to call it–gives you these moments of stress so you can rise above them. Michael Beckwith calls these kensho moments. Kensho moments are moments where you grow from pain. Something happens. Maybe your health breaks down and you end up in the hospital. But you grow from that and you learn to appreciate your body. I was about to have a Kensho moment, and that Kensho moment happened coincidentally.

This guy Dave Asperey and his friend JJ Bergen invited me to experience a new type of bio-hacking model that Dave was promoting called 40 years of Zen. So I went to this thing and what they promised was this. What was promised was that you’re going to meditate for 5 days in the chamber. You’re going to have your brain hooked up to all these machines. And the scientists who developed this had found how to reverse engineer the brainwave states of monks who had been meditating for 40 years. So they looked at monks, psychics, billionaires–these are what are in their brains. And they reverse engineered that so that you can hook up your brain and in 5 days, you can develop the brainwave activity of a monk who has been meditating for 20 to 40 years. So it’s a bit incredulous, but I thought “Wow, with a promise like that, let’s try it anyway.”

I went there, and as I went into the chamber with my brain hooked up, Dave was there, too, JJ was there, Joe Polish–some of you guys might know him–was there, too. As well as billionaires and Hollywood actors–it was a very elite group. They finally shared with us the secret, what were we supposed to do when our brains were hooked up? Now it turned out it wasn’t going into an astral-projection or lucid dreaming or going into deep states of meditation. It turned out that one of the biggest things these scientists found to get your brain to function like the brains of monks who have been meditating for 20 years–and, by the way, that’s what the hookup looks like [image on screen]–It was this one thing–radical forgiveness.

And so I had to forgive everything. I had to forgive–I mean I love my kids–I had to forgive my kids for little moments in the past when they irritated me when I was trying to work. I had to forgive my mom and dad for like the slightest thing. I had to forgive every friend I knew. I had to forgive people who genuinely hurt me. I had to forgive everyone. I had to forgive myself–younger versions of myself. I had to forgive myself from 10 years ago when I made a bad business decision that cost me $3 million. I had to forgive and forgive and forgive. And this was 4 days of forgiveness, and finally I came to that one guy–let’s call him Mr. X. That one guy. This had just happened. And I was so angry with him. It was so painful. And I had to forgive him, and I saved him for last. Because I’m like, “No, it’s going to be so tough.” This guy threatened my family, he stole from my family, he was someone who used my trust of him to take advantage of me. And I had to forgive him into love.

Now here’s the thing, it’s not just forgiveness, it was forgiveness into love. That means that at the end of the forgiveness session, you must be able to picture this person who hurt you so bad coming to you. And you must be able to hug them and feel empathy and understanding for what they went through. And so I had to forgive Mr. X. I had to see why did he do what he did. Maybe his parents were poor, and maybe theft was the only way his family could survive. Maybe his wife was sick. Maybe he was ill. Maybe he had an ill child, and that’s why he needed that. Maybe he was abused as a kid. And I had to imagine all the ways why he would justify what he did. And I had to be empathetic to him.

But here’s the crazy thing. When your brain is hooked up like that, it’s measuring your brainwaves. It’s measuring two things basically: alpha amplitude. So they hire your alpha spikes the more monk-like your brain is. And brain-wave resonance. So the more balanced your brain is–that means you’re not alpha on just one end, you’re alpha in both hemispheres. Again, the more ideal your brain. And all of a sudden as a I forgave Mr. X, I heard the loudest beep so far. They use sounds to tell you how well you’re doing. I opened my eyes and there was my score. And it was the highest alpha amplitude score I had ever generated. It was amazing to see with my own eyes what forgiveness could do in my brain. And that was liberating for me.

Now, the next year as I got rid of all my doubts, all of my forgiveness, the next year ended up being the single most successful year of my life. And my life had always been successful, always growing like that [moving hand in a straight line], but the next year it spiked. I had the book come out, the most successful A-Fest [big wellness event] we have ever done. My health, my happiness levels, everything just spiked because I was able to shed 40 years of pain, of things I had to forgive myself and other people around me for. And that’s why forgiveness is so important.

Now the exercise that’s done in 40 years of Zen is super simple. I now do it every morning. Every morning I forgive something. You wouldn’t believe but even a waiter who rubs you the wrong way. That negative energy stays with you so every morning I clear myself of all negativity. Now those of you who do the 6-phase meditation–which is the meditation program I popularized–phase 3 is what? It’s forgiveness, right. And this is basically what you do. Now we won’t be doing it live in this group because some people will break down. Some people will be really really really uncomfortable, but interesting things happen when you practice this.

For example, when I was at 40 years of Zen, we had one fellow participant with us, and this person was having a really tough time forgiving. He had to forgive a family member who had sexually abused him while he was like 10 years old. And that had really really really messed him up. Imagine if a family member does that to you at 10. Now he was having a tough time forgiving this family member, forgiving him forgiving him forgiving him. Now he was in his 50s but still had to forgive for something that happened 40 years ago. And an interesting thing happened the very next morning. So we were on day 2–the very next morning we were heading to the lab. And he showed me a video on his iPhone, he’s like “Vishen, I cannot believe this just happened. Remember I was telling you about that family ember who abused me when I was 10. Out of the blue, the family member just sent me a video of himself apologizing.”

It just happened. It’s as if reality shifted when this man forgave his family member. It happened within 48 hours of this forgiveness ritual. You may think it’s all happening in your head, but perhaps at a deeper level something more profound is happening. That’s why phase 3 of the 6-phase meditation is dedicated to forgiveness.

Now the exercise itself looks like this: you spend a minute or two minutes–no more than that–thinking or feeling the anger. And the anger can be for yourself for something you did in the past, for something someone did to you in the past. You spend 2 minutes feeling that, then you stop. Then you see a younger version of yourself or the person who abused you or wronged you in front of you. And you try to develop empathy for them. Ask them, you know, try to think for yourself. What made them do it? Did they face abuse as a kid? Did they experience something really bad? Were they simply mistrained?

Two ideas have really helped me. One is a quote from Neil Donald Walsh in his book Conversations with God. He says “I have sent you nothing but angels. Every person who enters your life–little, small, or big, good or bad–is a fellow angel there to teach you something.” So I find that thinking about that philosophy helps.

Another philosophy I think of is the phrase “Hurt people, hurt people.” Which simply means that everybody who hurts you is doing it because at some level they were hurt themselves. They’re just passing it on. But you have the ability to cut that cord and stop the hurt. So you don’t continue passing it on. Think about human history, right. How nations fight nations fight nations for generations because of this crazy idea “Hurt people hurt people.” But when we can forgive, we can move on. So in that second part of that exercise, you feel empathy.

Bill Bullard said “Knowledge is the lowest form of learning. Empathy is the highest form of learning.” Empathy means you can see things from another person’s point of view, and really seek to understand them. Empathy is one of the greatest forms of intelligence we can develop. That’s all it takes. Now it doesn’t mean you will forgive someone immediately. For certain acts, it can take years. But this is the first step. And you never know how powerful this can be until you try it.