Today I want to share an article I wrote for another blog a few weeks back on a topic I have grown a lot in over the years: mindfulness. One of the biggest challenges we face in a 21st century dominated by progressive values is staying grounded in the present moment. In my experience, the journey is more important than the destination. It’s where we spend most of our lives. And when we achieve one goal or reach one destination, we typically just replace it with another. One of my daily resolutions is to stay grounded in the here and now, not some phantom past or imaginary future. See the complete article here. Do you agree with my basic proposition?

Most people take for granted that “Love is all you need.” But when it boils down to the fine detail that makes all the difference, it’s a lot less crystal. What is love? Is it the love we give or the love we receive that matters most? I don’t claim to be an expert on love, although I did publish an article on creating love with the power of the mind. To answer these questions, I thought it would make sense to consult somebody who’s lived almost 90 years and made a career out of rehabilitating drug addicts.

I’ve transcribed a short clip in which Rabbi Abraham Twerski adds his drop to the bucket of perspectives on love. I thought his fish analogy was really thought-provoking, and I find myself agreeing with his main point–true love is about giving not receiving. How do you define true love?

Transcript:

“Young man, why are you eating that fish?” The young man says “Because I love fish.” The man says “Oh, you love the fish. That’s why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled.” He says “Don’t tell me you love the fish, you love yourself. And because the fish tastes good to you–therefore you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it.”

So much of what is love is fish love. A young couple falls in love. A young man and a young woman fall in love, what does that mean? That means that he saw in this woman someone who he felt could provide him with all of his physical and emotional needs. And she saw in this man somebody she feels she can write–that was love. But each one is looking out for their own needs. It’s not love for the other. The other becomes a vehicle for my gratification.

Too much of what is called love is fish love. An external love is not what I’m going to get but what I’m going to give. We had an ethicist–Rabbi Dessler–who said “People make a serious mistake in thinking that you give to those whom you love. And the real answer is you love those to whom you give.” And his point is if I give something to you, I’ve invested myself in you. And since self-love is a given–everybody loves themselves. Now that part of me has become in you, there’s part of me in you that I love. So true love is a love of giving, not a love of receiving.

I’ve made a point of periodically sharing quality music with an uplifting message that I think can enrich people’s lives. There’s so much sound pollution out there you really have to use a filter if you want to remain in the driver’s seat. Right now one of my favorite songs is “Brother” by Seneca, South Carolina-based, Grammy-award-winning band, NeedToBreathe. The song is about the love and loyalty of a brother. The song begins with the premise that we all need others we can depend on to help us weather life’s storms. The artist affirms his willingness to fulfill that role and be a rock of refuge for his brother. Whether the brother is a blood relationship or a close friend the message is one and the same: united we stand, divided we fall. You can find the complete lyrics (courtesy of Genius) and the music video down below. Enjoy.

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Proverbs 18:24

Lyrics:

[Verse 1: NEEDTOBREATHE]
Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need
We get a little restless from the searching
Get a little worn down in between
Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes
Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea

[Chorus: NEEDTOBREATHE]
Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night winds are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

[Verse 2: Gavin Degraw]
Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart
I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were
Now my hands can’t reach that far
I ain’t made for rivalry I could never take the world alone
I know that in my weakness I am strong
But it’s your love that brings me home

[Chorus: NEEDTOBREATHE]
Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night wheels are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

[Bridge: Gavin DeGraw]
And when you call
And need me near
Say it where’d you go
Brother, I’m right here
And on those days
When the sky begins to fall
You’re the blood of my blood
We can get through it all

[Chorus: NEEDTOBREATHE]
Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I could be the one you call
When you’re feeling low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night wheels are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Brother, let me be your shelter
Never leave you all alone
I can be the one you call
When you’re low
Brother, let me be your fortress
When the night wheels are driving on
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home
Be the one to light the way
Bring you home

Most of us have a desire to influence others on some level. Maybe we feel we have something to offer that can improve their lives and make the world a better place. Or maybe we just want to get them to do what we want. Influencing others is as useful in business as it is in family and community life. The car salesman, the charity fundraiser, and the pick-up artist all use persuasive tactics to achieve their goals. Influence is sometimes good and sometimes bad, but it is always useful.

There are two primary ways to influence others: inspiration and manipulation. In Start Why Why, leadership expert and motivational speaker, Simon Sinek, argues that inspiration is the better, more sustainable option. I am inclined to agree. Manipulation is based on a power imbalance that is liable to come apart in any given moment whereas inspiration can sustain itself in the absence or coercion.

One of the biggest ways anyone can create influence through inspiration is by adding value to the lives of others. This works as much in personal relationships as it does in business. A quality product sells itself and generates loyalty. And the same is true of human beings. When people see the value we put out for them, they are more inclined to listen to what we have to say.

There is a caveat with personal relationships. Adding value to people solely for the purpose of influencing them in other areas is thinly-veined manipulation. It’s about getting people to act a certain way even when they wouldn’t freely choose to do so. But when value is added from a place of authenticity, then the influence garnered is inspiration in its truest sense. It is the kind of influence that is based on a willful decision to act a certain way that doesn’t create resentment in the long run.

The best way to influence others isn’t pushing the right buttons at the right time or bending over backwards. It’s about adding authentic value to their lives. And anyone adding authentic value to their lives is likely to do something positive with the influence they gain.

I have penned a handful of articles on love because I think it is an important topic. And I’m not talking about a romantic sentimental kind of love, although that’s a good thing in and of itself. I’m talking about the kind of love that empowers people to accept themselves, to accept others, and to fulfill the golden rule–do unto others as you would have them do unto you. This is what the world needs more of, and I will gladly promote it any day of the week. I’m also not alone. British-born Simon Sinek is a motivational speaker and leadership expert. He is the author of Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone To Take Action, a New York Times best-seller. In it, he makes the case that of the two main ways to influence human behavior–manipulation and inspiration–inspiration is the more powerful, more sustainable option. I’ve transcribed a YouTube clip in which Simon Sinek talks about the importance of love to successful leadership and successful living Love is a process, he argues, but it works every single time.

Transcript:

Do you love your wife? “Yes.” Prove it. What’s the metric? Give me the number that helps me know. Because when you met her, you didn’t love her, right? Now you love her. Tell me the day the love happened. It’s an impossible question. But it’s not that it doesn’t exist. It’s that it’s much easier to prove over time. Leadership is the same thing. It’s about transitions. If you were to go to the gym, it’s like exercise, right. If you go to the gym and you work out and you come back and you look in the mirror you will see. . . nothing. And if you go to the gym the next day and you come back and you look in the mirror, you will see. . . nothing. Clearly there’s no results, can’t be measured, it must not be effective. So we quit.

Or if you fundamentally believe that this is the right course of action and you stick with it like in a relationship. I bought her flowers and I wished her happy birthday, and she doesn’t love me. Clearly I will give up. That’s not what happens. If you believe there is something there, you commit yourself to an act of service, to the regime, to the exercise. You can screw it up, you can each chocolate cake one day, you can skip a day or two. It allows for that, but if you stick with it consistently–I’m not exactly sure what day–but I know you’ll start getting into shape.

And the same with the relationship. It’s not about the events. It’s not about intensity. It’s about consistency, right? You go to the dentist twice a year, your teeth will fall out. You have to brush your teeth every day for two minutes. What does brushing your teeth every day for two minutes do? Nothing. Unless you do it every day twice a day for two minutes. It’s the consistency. Going to the gym for nine hours does not get you into shape. Working out every day for 20 minutes gets you into shape.

So the problem is we treat leadership with intensity. We have a 2-day off-site, we invite a bunch of speakers, we give everybody a certificate. [claps] You’re a leader. Those things are like going to the dentist. They’re very important. They’re good for reminding us or getting us back on track, learning new lessons. But it’s the daily practice of all the monotonous little boring things like brushing your teeth that matter the most.

She didn’t fall in love with you because you remembered her birthday and bought her flowers on Valentine’s Day. She fell in love with you because when you woke up in the morning you said good morning to her before you checked your phone. She fell in love with you because when you went to the fridge to get yourself a drink, you got her one without even asking. She fell in love with you because when you had an amazing day at work, and when she came home and had a terrible day at work, you didn’t say “Yeah, yeah, yeah, but let me tell you about my day.” You sat and listened to her awful day, and you didn’t say a thing about your amazing day.

This is why she fell in love with you. I can’t tell you exactly what day, and it was no particular thing you did, it was the accumulation of all those little things that she woke up one day. It’s as if she pressed a button, she goes “I love him.” Leadership is exactly the same. There’s no event. There’s no thing I can tell you you have to do that your people will trust you. It just doesn’t work that way. It’s an accumulation of lots and lots of little things that any one by themselves is innocuous and useless. Literally pointless by themselves. People will look at little things that are good leadership practices and will say “That won’t work.” And you’re absolutely right. But if you do it consistently, and you do it in combination with lots of other little things like saying good morning to someone. Looking them in the eye.

My friend George who’s a 3-star general in the Marine Corp. He says his test for leadership–and I love this–his test for a good leader, if you ask somebody how their day is going, you actually care about the answer. The number of times we’re walking to a meeting, we’re rushing, we go “How are you?” “Not Good.” “I got to get to you later, God, I’m late for a meeting.” If you asked the question, you were standing there and you’re listening to the answer. It’s those little innocuous things that you do over and over and over and over that people will say “I love my job.” Not “I like my job.” I like my job means “Yeah the challenge is great, they pay me well, I like the people.” I love my job means “I don’t want to work anywhere else. I don’t care how much somebody else is willing to pay me. I’m devoted to the people here. And I care desperately about the people here as if they’re my family.”

In business, we have colleagues and coworkers. In the military, they have brothers and sisters. That’s how they think of each other. If you really have a strong corporate culture, the people will think of each other like brothers and sisters. “It’s like a family [sentimental voice].” No– brothers and sisters. Deep love. Fight, but the love doesn’t go a way. Bicker, the love doesn’t go away. And I’ll fight with my sister, but if you threaten my sister, you’re going to have to deal with me. We’ll fight internally. We’ll bicker with each other. But nobody’s going to hurt each other. And if anything from the outside shows up, you’re looking at a unified front.

Now how do you create brothers and sisters out of strangers? Common beliefs. Common values. Parents, in other words, executives who care about their children’s success. Who care to raise their children, teach them skills, discipline them when necessary. Help them build their self-confidence, so that they can go on and achieve something more than you could have ever imagined achieving for yourself. That’s leadership. An absolute love and devotion for the people who have committed their lives to this enterprise. It’s a human thing. Just as you know how your body feels after a good workout and you know how your body feels after a big greasy meal. You know that one is good for you and one is not, despite what it may taste like.

And that’s the problem with short-term gains. They feel really good in the short term. We’re highly, highly trained social animals. We’re highly adapted social animals. We can feel social awkwardness. And we can feel when things are going well. You can sense it. You say you have this sense of laughter around me. We don’t walk around with blinders. Like I said, we’re made to do this, that’s why we can assess if somebody’s trustworthy or not. That’s why we keep our walls up–“Yeah, his results are great, but I wouldn’t trust him.” As opposed to letting down your guard, “I trust her with anything. I trust her with my kids, my money, anything.” So we’re highly attuned animals, so we’re good at sensing it.

But I will say there is a caveat to your metric of laughter, which is a decent one. It’s that scale breaks things in human beings. I’ve said before, we’re not made for populations bigger than about 150-ish. It’s called Dunbar’s number. Robert Dunbar, a professor from Cambridge University, theorized that we can’t maintain more than about 150 close relationships. The way he defined a close relationship is if you’re at a bar with a bunch of friends and somebody comes in, would you ask that person to join you or not. It’s about 150 that we would ask them to come join us. And if you think about the reason that actually makes perfect sense. Which is two limiting factors–one is time. If you only gave 2 minutes to every person you know, you’d make no close friends. And the other one is memory. You just can’t just remember everybody.

And so this is where leadership becomes very interesting because if you have a company that has a lot of people–5,6, 7, 800, 1,000, 2,000, 5,000 people–clearly you can’t know everyone. And clearly as a CEO, you’re like “I care about every single one of my people.” You don’t even know–some of the people who work for you are bastards. You don’t care about them. So it’s a nonsense statement.

But what you can say is I desperately care about the people whose names I know and whose faces I recognize. And I care desperately about my leadership, and I instill in them every day that I will give them the tools and I will take care of them with one purpose, and one purpose only: that they will take care of the people in their charge. And I want those people to take care of the people, and instill in them that they take care of the people in their charge.

By the time you get down to the masses where the actual thousand exist–because the seniors are like 20–where the real thousand exists. They feel–about 150 of them can look to one of their direct leaders, one of their direct managers, and say that person cares about me. That’s our boss. That’s my boss. That’s my leader. Not the leader. [Not] it’s the CEO. It’s my manager. My boss. My leader.

Sometimes you get fired. Sometimes you get in trouble. Sometimes you’ll lose your job and the next guy will get all the credit. It’s all true. The courage to do the right thing in the face of overwhelming pressure–only the best leaders have that courage. Only the best leaders. And here’s the folly, courage is not some deep internal fortitude. You don’t dig down deep and find the courage. It just doesn’t exist. Courage is external. Our courage comes from the support we feel from others.

In other words, when someone–when you feel that someone has your back. When you know that the day that you admit you can’t do it, someone will be there and say “I got you. You can do this.” That’s what gives you the courage to do the difficult thing. It’s not going off to an ashram [monastery] by yourself somewhere for four weeks and coming back and finding the courage. It’s not what happens. It’s the relationships that we foster. It’s the people around us that love us and care about us and believe in us.

And when we have those relationships, we will find the courage to do the right thing. And when you act with courage that, in turn, will inspire those in your organization to also act with courage. In other words, it’s still an external thing. That’s what inspiration is. I’m inspired to follow your example. Those relationships that we foster over the course of a lifetime will not only make us into the leaders we need to be and hope we can be, but they’ll often save your life. They’ll save you from depression. They’ll save you from giving up. They’ll save you from any negative feelings about your own capabilities, your own future. When someone just says “I love you.”

Ask 100 people on the street what separates a man from a boy and you may get 100 different answers. If the respondents are anything like my inner circle growing up, many of the answers will have something to do with traditionally masculine attributes–like toughness, assertiveness, and physical strength. A man, they say, is someone who embodies these attributes, a boy is someone who doesn’t. Traditionally masculine attributes have their place, but in this post I want to take a different angle that I believe far better captures the essence of manhood.

The defining characteristic of boyhood is selfishness. Boys are all about themselves. They take whatever they can take, but are incapable and disinterested in giving back to those around them. If you were like me as a child, your universe was centered around yourself. Like a mental baby, you expected adults to take care of you, and you resented responsibility. Sure, you had to obey your parents and help out around the house from time to time, but it was something you did begrudgingly. Life as you imagined it was primarily about your hopes, dreams, emotions and aspirations, even if they were underdeveloped at this stage. Let’s call this stage the taking stage.

Every man I know whom I respect as such underwent a metamorphosis at some point in his life. He went from being about himself to being about the team. He went from living in a self-centered universe in which only his interests mattered to living in a team-centered universe in which the interests of many people mattered. In short, a boy becomes a man when he goes from searching only for what he can take from the world to looking for ways he can give to the people closest to him.

The family is a common example. A man attends to his wife and kids. Their welfare is chief among his considerations. In fact, a man’s welfare is secondary such that he would sacrifice it for the good of the family if it became necessary. A boy can’t relate to this thought process. His concept of being a part of something bigger than himself to which he is expected to contribute is weak or non-existent. There are many examples in addition to family and romantic relationships. I know many single, unmarried guys who are highly motivated by a desire to add value to their family, friends, and communities. If boyhood is the taking stage, then manhood is the giving stage.

A boy becomes a man when he goes from searching only for what he can take from the world to looking for ways he can give to the people closest to him.

I’m not suggesting a man doesn’t look out for his own interests. The difference is a man recognizes that his interests are inextricably connected to the interests of other people. I recall Hall-of-Fame Defensive End Michael Strahan, when asked on TV about an award he had won, said something to the effect of “It meant nothing until I handed it to my mother.” This quote captures what being a man is all about–measuring individual success by the effect it has on those closest to oneself.

A team gives a man purpose in life. Something greater than himself worth fighting for–a why behind his life’s occupation. Having a why actually makes a man more masculine even by traditional standards. There’s only so much an individual will do for himself, but when you put him on the right team, his fighting spirit exponentially increases. In fact, I know many fathers who wouldn’t think twice about running into a burning building for their children — or working long hours and making small sacrifices on a daily basis. That is evidence that a maturation process has taken place. That is manly behavior.

Few things can create happiness and serve as a constant token of gratitude better than a good gift. Receiving gifts is, in fact, one of the 5 love languages. I remember the time I was in college when my brother bought me an automatic Swiss-made $600 Tissot timepiece for Christmas. I was a big watch junkie in those days and had a modest, but growing collection. That watch was the most expensive material gift I have ever received to this day. Every time I looked at it I was reminded of my brother’s generosity. There is power in receiving a good gift. But there is also power in giving a good gift. And this is something that only wisdom and experience can reveal.

When I was a kid, I loved opening gifts. Christmas was my favorite day of the year, and Christmas morning was one of the few days I would voluntarily get up early regardless of how much I had slept the previous night. On the other hand, I loved watching other people open gifts a lot less. Occasionally, my brothers and I would take the money we had saved up and buy something small for each other and for our mother. I knew it was something I should do, and it brought me some satisfaction when I could tell they liked the gift I bought for them. But the joy of gift-giving for me was primarily on the receiving end.

I recently shared my view that what separates a man from a boy is the recognition that his interests are intimately bound to the interests of other people. This results in looking out for the welfare of other human beings, whether that be family, friends, or community. A boy is about himself. A man is about the team. A boy finds fulfillment in getting his needs met independent of others. A man finds fulfillment in meeting the needs of other people. This same transition from treating life as an individual sport to a team sport is characteristic of all personal growth and maturity, whether the individual is male or female. In fact, the conversation could just as well be framed in terms of “what separates a child from an adult.”

This same transition from treating life as an individual sport to a team sport is characteristic of all personal growth and maturity, whether the individual is male or female.

The seasons of my life when I was at my best were the seasons I made an effort to connect with other people and contribute to their well-being. The seasons of my life when I was at my worst were the seasons I was consumed with my own interests and ambitions. There is a mysterious principle built into the world that the people who give the most tend to be the happiest. Some people call it karma. Some people call it sowing and reaping. Some people call it the law of reciprocity. But I can think of many examples in my own life of people who search for what they can give. And I can think of many examples of people who still have the childlike mentality of searching only for what they can take. Will Smith said it simply and effectively, “If you’re not making someone else’s life better, then you’re wasting your time. Your life will become better by making other lives better. . .”

There is a mysterious principle built into the world that the people who give the most tend to be the happiest. Some people call it karma. Some people call it sowing and reaping. Some people call it the law of reciprocity.

There is power in a good gift. And the power works in both directions. That is the beauty of gift-giving. And that is largely why Christmas is such a special time of year.

Remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’

Acts 20:35

It’s not what you gather but what you scatter that tells you what kind of life you’ve lived.

Sometimes we need help from others. And sometimes others need help from us. Whether it’s with the big things or the small things in life. In fact, it’s rare to go an entire day without thanking someone or being thanked. Carrying groceries, giving rides, and sharing knowledge in an area of expertise are common ways people in community help one another. My grandparents regularly ask me to fix their computer and solve any technology-related problems. A common response to being thanked is “No problem.” The issue with this response is that it contains two of the most hated words in the English language–“No,” and “Problem.” Sure, order and negation matter, but simply saying a word can subconsciously trigger negative associations. And admitting something is “not a problem” doesn’t make anyone feel exceptionally good. The world is not going to end if you keep using this expression. But you can respond in a much more effective way with a simple phrase.

Say “Happy to Help” Instead

“Happy to help” or “I’m happy to help” communicates to people that helping them is something we personally value. We don’t help out of a sense of compulsion but because we joyfully choose to. This can be a perfectly sincere response given the myriad benefits of helping others. Helping others diverts attention from our own problems. It gives us confidence knowing that we are high-value human beings. And it leads to reciprocity down the road from those we live in community with, be they family members, friends, or neighbors. Let alone the instinctive satisfaction of receiving gratitude from others.

The next time someone says “Thank you,” consider it an opportunity to leave an impression. The single best way I have found to do that is with the expression above.

Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.